I knew at some point my years of portraying a woman were going to catch up to me. My doctor concluded that I have something called Stay at Home Mom Disorder (SAHD). Apparently all the time I have spent with the children has now raised my estrogen and progesterone to levels surpassing my testosterone. You get weepy and bitchy ... I thought it was just a woman thing (but the disorder has mutated like a virus and has crossed the previously thought impossible gender gap), it is now sweeping the nation with all the new stay at home dads (SAHDs), or at least I hope...it could just be me. I don't want to be alone in this...shit being afraid to be alone..OMG...that's probably another symptom. I had just applied to renew my man card now I'm f*^%@d if they review my medical records.This is so unfair I might cry.
I should have known when I noticed my nipples were leaking (it only happens when I hear babies cry), or while watching a little Rachel Ray (it seemed okay at the time because Russel Brand was on there and he's effin hilarious dammit), or maybe the crying about how my female husband doesn't understand the plight of being at home (she actually does... and is thankful not to be taking care of the kids full time) and I thought I was the genius of the family. All of this due to my liberal views of dads staying at home while moms bring home the bacon (turkey bacon...because it's lean and meaty) ..wait no, never mind, I really like money so let's stick with metaphorical bacon. I don't want to accidentally use the power of the Secret and attract turkey bacon instead of money. My kids would be thrilled at breakfast, but would not understand why I am crying while makin' the bacon.
Back to my situation. So winter is here and SAHD has become SAD. Instead of SAHD standing for stay at home dad the acronym will, for the purpose of this blog today, be seasonal affective Hyperactivity disorder. Yes I know it's normally just seasonal affective disorder... but I needed a play on words. Seeing how my kids are now so frickin Hyper now that they are stuck in the house... due to not enough sunlight and oh yeah...I just found this out .... winter is coming and I guess it still gets cold outside. Screw the daylight savings plan for farmers... I need after school sunlight and outdoor heat savings plan. Shout out to Obama-- get on that shit.
This is where the ridiculous hyperactivity of little children comes in. They steal my "H." They use it for their own good, not mine how unfair. Shit. I'm crying again. I need my H. Not the crappy "apartment H" we have. The privacy and solitude of a "quiet H" which only comes from children being outside the...you guessed it, "H."
I would like them to get out of my butt. That's right... they are up my butt and I would like them removed. They're not just hemorrhoids that itch or irritate you when you go to the bathroom... well they do irritate me when I try to go to the bathroom... and they won't go away kind of like a bad itch.. oohhh so maybe they are like hemorrhoids (which seems to have several acceptable spellings...at least when you google it...weird who knew). I guess seeing how I'm growing boobs and a vagina with my new friends estrogen and progesterone, I could put some vagicaine on and hope it numbs the pain of stay at home mom disorder (I hear wine works wonders...I'll try that next). With my new "H'less" SAHD status leaving me with just SAD. This is where some comments would be awesome to hear from some of my readers about what they do in the winter months. Seeing how I've already suggested slathering myself in vagicaine or drinking wine (many of the moms I have met suggest a case a day is needed) I'd like to hear some new suggestions.
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