I went to the doctor and found out I have Stay at Home mom Disorder (SAHD)

I knew at some point my years of portraying a woman were going to catch up to me. My doctor concluded that I have something called Stay at Home Mom Disorder (SAHD). Apparently all the time I have spent with the children has now raised my estrogen and progesterone to levels surpassing my testosterone. You get weepy and bitchy ... I thought it was just a woman thing (but the disorder has mutated like a virus and has crossed the previously thought impossible gender gap), it is now sweeping the nation with all the new stay at home dads (SAHDs), or at least I hope...it could just be me. I don't want to be alone in this...shit being afraid to be alone..OMG...that's probably another symptom. I had just applied to renew my man card now I'm f*^%@d if they review my medical records.This is so unfair I might cry.

I should have known when I noticed my nipples were leaking (it only happens when I hear babies cry), or while watching a little Rachel Ray (it seemed okay at the time because Russel Brand was on there and he's effin hilarious dammit), or maybe the crying about how my female husband doesn't understand the plight of being at home (she actually does... and is thankful not to be taking care of the kids full time) and I thought I was the genius of the family. All of this due to my liberal views of dads staying at home while moms bring home the bacon (turkey bacon...because it's lean and meaty) ..wait no, never mind, I really like money so let's stick with metaphorical bacon. I don't want to accidentally use the power of the Secret and attract turkey bacon instead of money. My kids would be thrilled at breakfast, but would not understand why I am crying while makin' the bacon.  

Back to my situation. So winter is here and SAHD has become SAD. Instead of SAHD standing for  stay at home dad the acronym will, for the purpose of this blog today, be seasonal affective Hyperactivity disorder. Yes I know it's normally just seasonal affective disorder... but I needed a play on words. Seeing how my kids are now so frickin Hyper now that they are stuck in the house... due to not enough sunlight and oh yeah...I just found this out .... winter is coming and  I guess it still gets cold outside. Screw the daylight savings plan for farmers... I need after school sunlight and outdoor heat savings plan. Shout out to Obama-- get on that shit.

This is where the ridiculous hyperactivity of little children comes in. They steal my "H." They use it for their own good, not mine how unfair. Shit. I'm crying again. I need my H. Not the crappy "apartment H" we have. The privacy and solitude of a "quiet H" which only comes from children being outside the...you guessed it, "H."

I would like them to get out of my butt. That's right... they are up my butt and I would like them removed. They're not just hemorrhoids that itch or irritate you when you go to the bathroom... well they do irritate me when I try to go to the bathroom... and they won't go away kind of like a bad itch.. oohhh so maybe they are like hemorrhoids (which seems to have several acceptable spellings...at least when you google it...weird who knew). I guess seeing how I'm growing boobs and a vagina with my new friends estrogen and progesterone, I could put some vagicaine on and hope it numbs the pain of stay at home mom disorder (I hear wine works wonders...I'll try that next). With my new "H'less" SAHD status leaving me with just SAD. This is where some comments would be awesome to hear from some of my readers about what they do in the winter months. Seeing how I've already suggested slathering myself in vagicaine or drinking wine (many of the moms I have met suggest a case a day is needed) I'd like to hear some new suggestions.

Who is Mr. Mom?

   My name is Bryan, I have a beautiful and supportive wife (stratamom@blogger.com), six kids, and I am a seasoned stay at home dad (SAHD). I have been doing this crazy job for quite some number of years now. If a year was to be considered a tour of duty - which, god it ought to be - then I am on my 9th tour. I'm counting the couple of years I worked nights at a "real" job and pulled Mr. Mom duty during the day. When I began being Mr. Mom,  it was simple, I was the one who was at home during the day, so that put me on kid duty and I've been doing most of my parenting life (11 1/2 years). For the slow folks out there...that means my oldest is 11/2 years old. I am a survivor of divorce. That's right, you don't go through divorce, you survive it! It's not a fricking doorway you walk through. It's a first time cliff dive into unknown waters. This could result in immediate death, catastrophic injury, getting pulled out into the ocean and finding yourself lost, drowning slowly as you watch the movie that was your life, or the scariest ride of your life that results in triumph and the realization you have your life ahead of you. There you go. You survive divorce.

   My blog could veer off into any direction at anytime, like it just did. I have just gone from a spartan description of my background to a diatribe about my inability to stay on subject...ohhh and without any kind of transition. So...with that said. My intent is to write about parenting from my perspective as a stay at home dad or Mr. Mom. I will try to write about anything that relates to the daily grind of stay home parenting, marriage, divorce, blended families and pretty much anything that's on my mind at the time. Some of you may be asking yourselves.... does this mean he'll be offering his views on world news, because that sounds super exciting...  hmm not likely. If I happen to find myself keeping up on world news, politics, and other adult oriented activities, I'll have to take a second to reflect and ask myself one really important question:  oh shit where are my kids?

Hopefully, I'll find some readers that find my writing educational, inspirational (LMAO...I guess it could happen), humorous, entertaining, disgusting, or at least find it to be something they love and hate at the same time and can't quite figure out why, but makes them, i.e. you, come back to read my blog anyway.

Think of me as a cross between Dane Cook and Jesus. But different.

If you read this all the way to the end, then I hope to see you again soon!